Earliest Human Memory

What is your earliest human memory?

Dear Tumblrbot,
Normally Gnome de Plume receives requests for advice. Perhaps since you are a robot, you are asking this question to help you fit in with humans or maybe destroy the human race? Either way, Gnome de Plume is happy to answer any question. As Gnome de Plume has always been a gnome, Gnome de Plume doesn’t have a human memory. What Gnome de Plume does have though, is early memories of the first human Gnome de Plum ever encountered.
When Gnome de Plume was just a wee lad, his parents hired a babysitter. You see, although his parents loved him very much, they often traveled for their jobs and needed someone to look after Gnome de Plume. So, right before Gnome de Plum’s mother had to go out to the great caves of Brungabaloo and his father had to test out his new device, the incinerating beam of destruc….never mind, where they were going and why isn’t important. Anyway, Gnome de Plume was a curious wee lad which often got him into trouble, so his parents hired a human babysitter. Gnome de Plume will always remember the moment his mother introduced him to Giant Nancy. Giant Nancy was the largest creature Gnome de Plume had ever seen, she was easily five feet tall and at minimum, 120 pounds. Giant Nancy smiled at Gnome de Plume with her huge human mouth and full set of huge human teeth and Gnome de Plume’s mom said as she walked out the door, “Be good Gnome de Plume, because humans eat gnomes that get in to trouble.”
So Tumblrbot, you might be robo-thinking right now that my mom was extremely cruel, but really she was just very clever. I behaved like a perfect angel for Giant Nancy. Gnome de Plume and Giant Nancy actually became very close during that time. Giant Nancy taught Gnome de Plume not only how to climb to reach high shelves, but all kinds of things about humans, I have fond memories of human lessons in place of bedtime stories. Giant Nancy told Gnome de Plume that one day he would need to interact with humans so there were a few things he needed to know: humans are emotional, humans like food better than even sex, humans think they can consume more alcohol than they actually can, and humans like to buy stupid things. Now, these might seem like trivial things, but this knowledge in the hands of a very intelligent and attractive gnome is very powerful.
Giant Nancy even taught Gnome de Plume how to impress human women. Some of Gnome de Plume’s first memories of a human being- Giant Nancy explaining to Gnome de Plume how to talk to the ladies. Now Tumblrbot, Gnome de Plume will share this valuable information with you. As a robot, you might be wondering how to talk to a human woman - maybe you would like to know how to have a nice conversation, learn how to do something womanly, or maybe get in a human woman’s pants- well, here is everything you need to know, as passed down from Giant Nancy. Humans have an abnormally low amount of body hair so human women take great pride in styling the hair they do have - always compliment a woman on her hair. On the subject of hair, there is no such thing as a red-headed human woman. You might think you have met a red haired human woman, but do not be fooled, it is just an evil fire demon trying to trick you in order to steal your soul. Next lesson on human women from Giant Nancy is that human women want a man who is both manly and emotional and these things do not really exist, the key when interacting with human women is to start every third sentence with “I feel” and end the sentence with “would make me [insert one: happy, sad, angry, grateful, or hurt]” and a compliment. An example of this is, “I feel I really need to have one more drink, it would make me feel happy if you would toss that shiny hair of yours and go get me a free one”. See how that works? The final thing that Giant Nancy taught Gnome de Plume about human women is that they are smarter than they let on, so when lying to them, you better make an effort to make it good.
Now that you armed with that knowledge, you might be left wondering how to talk to human men. Well, Giant Nancy covered that too as she lovingly tucked Gnome de Plume into bed. She said when speaking to human men, just pretend that you are a robot, but a breathing, hungry, and sex deprived one.
So, that sums up my first memories of a human, the initial meeting of Giant Nancy and her nightly advice that followed. Gnome de Plume learned that humans, while terrifying because they can eat you, are really quite simple to understand.
Hope this information comes in handy for you Tumblrbot.
Sincerely,
Gnome de Plume