Ex Boyfriend

Recently an exboyfriend got in touch with me, and I did a search for him on line, and he totally sucks now. He wants to catch up because he says he still considered me a good friend. How do I tell him he looks like a cancer patient and his artwork is soulless?

Dear Man Troubles,
When Gnome de Plume has problems, he soemtimes has to remind himself that all problems can be opportunities. Man Troubles, this is exactly what you have, a fantastic opportunity. Gnome de Plume has had his share of ladies that come back for another piece, so he can relate and solve your problem. Gnome de Plume knows that it sucks big swinging dragon balls when there are all of these exes floating around that he would just love to have dirty ex sex with and the ex that does come around is the one who is a troll, a life-draining monster fucking troll. So, with Gnome de Plume’s extensive experience he will not only help you fix this problem, he will make sure you benefit as well. Remember, you deserve something good. Soulless Cancer Troll obviously got something good out of it, getting to sleep with you; so, it is about time you got something out of it too. Gnome de Plume will give you a couple of different options for dealing with this situation.
Solution 1: Gnome de Plume suggests using this option if you want to put in minimal work and get a speedy resolution. Call said Soulless Cancer Troll. Tell Soulless Cancer Troll that you doubt the sincerity of his statement that he considers you a good friend. Soulless Cancer Troll will then argue that he really does consider you a good friend. Next, tell him that anyone you consider a “good friend” would be willing to do anything for you. Soulless Cancer Troll will then insist that he is willing to do anything that you ask. Now, ask him for a kidney. If he says no, tell him that you don’t want his kidney anyway because it is cancer infested and he has already sucked away enough of your life through his soulless artwork. If Soulless Cancer Troll agrees to give you his kidney, you say, “Oh, did you think I said kidney? I said kidneys.” There are only a couple of things that can happen here, either he says no and shows he is not a good friend, or he dies and you have two kidneys to sell or use for later; either way, you win.
Solution 2: This solution requires a bit more work and planning, but Gnome de Plume is sure that it will be fun because it involves public humiliation and big profits. It has been Gnome de Plume’s experience that everyone likes a surprise, even if they say otherwise. So, here is what you need to do. The first step is to obtain multiple pieces of Soulless Cancer Troll’s artwork. Next, get online, make flyers, and tell all of your friends about the charity auction you are having to support the fight against cancer. If there are two things rich people like spending money on it is soulless artwork and cancer patients, so you are going to combine both. Gnome de Plume suggests inviting Soulless Cancer Troll to meet up with you after you have sold said soulless artwork. Ideally, Soulless Cancer Troll will come in at an opportune time to be forced to give a speech. After the speech, he will come to you confused and ask why you had a cancer benefit for him. You have been looking for the right time, the perfect time to say to him that he looks like a cancer patient and his artwork is soulless, this is that perfect time. Now, you not only have all of the profits from the sale of the soulless art, but you have said what you needed to and he will no longer try to be good friends. If he does decide he still wants to be good friends, force him to start making more soulless art, keep his head shaved, and hold one more auction for big profits. Following that, ask him for his kidneys.
Sincerely,
Gnome de Plume