Waiting Impatiently

Dear Gnome de Plume,
Although I really care about my girlfriend, I am not sure I can stay with her. She is a virgin and is waiting for the ‘right time’. When I ask her when the right time is, she says she can’t say exactly, she says she is confident that when it is the ‘right time’ she will just know. I have been dating her for 4 months now and seem no closer to this ‘right time’. I am really into her but I do not want to wait forever. How do I convince her that the ‘right time’ is now? Sincerely, Waiting Impatiently

Dear Waiting Impatiently, Gnome de Plume has put together one of his famous Flawless 5 lists for you. If you follow Gnome de Plume’s simple directions, the ‘right time’ will come in no time.

1. Do you have any friends that are evil wizards? If yes, continue reading, if not, skip to #2. Wizards can do all kinds of things to help in this situation. Have some of your buddies try out a few spells. There are probably all kinds of spells they could use for this situation, use your imagination. If you are short on creativity, here is a brief list of spells Gnome de Plume recommends - hold person, sleep, blindness, mirror image, open/close, levitate (if you don’t understand how these spells will solve your problem, you have a much bigger problem). Wizard friends can also help once you have made it to the ‘right time’. Have one of them cast something like enlargement, unseen servant, or even mage hand to help you out here, you want to make it so good for her that she does not contact any law enforcement officials. **Important note: A location spell will not find the G spot, do not try it. This has been tried by many wizards through the ages and the result is always the same, the spell misfires and instead of a location spell, you have a level IV summoned monster on your hands.
2. Do you have any friends that will dress up as evil wizards? If yes, continue reading, if not, why not? Either go make some or go on to #3. This requires a bit of set up, you will need some cloaks, some sidewalk chalk, a picture of something really scary, a fancy sword or dagger, and some animal blood, and of course your friends. You and your lady friend head over to a friend’s place. Once in the door, one of your cloaked friends closes the door, locks it, and stands right in front of it. You are greeted by your other cloaked friends who are sitting in a pentagram drawn on the living room floor (use the chalk to draw and spatter with animal blood). Your friends start chanting something like “virgin sacrifice for the horned goat demon of all that is evil” and turn to your lady friend, one holding above mentioned weapon, and ask her to step into the circle. At this point, you politely tell your friends that you need to talk to your lady friend for a second in private. You take her into the nearest bedroom and tell her you are not sure if it is the ‘right time’ but if it isn’t, it looks like she is going to be the virgin sacrifice to the horned goat demon of all that is evil.
3. Do have a dwarven tavern in the area? If yes, continue reading, if not, skip to #4. Take your date to this fine establishment and load her with the strongest ale available. After one or two drinks she probably won’t even know where she is or who you are, if she does, give her more drinks. If she passes out, you know what to do. If she does not pass out, her vision should at least be blurry and her judgement clouded. Point to a dwarf at a table across the room and identify him to your lady friend as something like “horned goat demon of all that is evil”, then explain how he feeds on the blood of virgins. Now you know what to do. Make sure not to stay overnight, you do not want her blaming you instead of herself (insert dwarf in bed with her if necessary). She will not remember the details of the previous night and will think only of how she should have lost it to you as she does the walk of shame through the dwarven tavern. She will go home and apologize to you profusely, feeling so bad about herself that it is sure to be the ‘right time’ for a long time.
4. Does your lady friend have a sister that looks a bit like her? If yes, continue reading, if not, move on to #5. Gnome de Plume will now tell you something very important. It is a universal truth that if a pure virgin maiden has a sister, that sister is bound to be a raging slut. Either trade your lady in for the sister, or just make your lady friend jealous by wooing the sister (sibling rivalry is a powerful thing). You either end up with the sister or your lady friend, it’s a win-win. **Write to me again in 3 weeks and we can go over threesomes.
5. If all else has failed you, buy her flowers and take her out somewhere expensive for dinner.

Sincerely Yours,
Gnome de Plume