Waiting Impatiently

Dear Gnome de Plume,
Although I really care about my girlfriend, I am not sure I can stay with her. She is a virgin and is waiting for the ‘right time’. When I ask her when the right time is, she says she can’t say exactly, she says she is confident that when it is the ‘right time’ she will just know. I have been dating her for 4 months now and seem no closer to this ‘right time’. I am really into her but I do not want to wait forever. How do I convince her that the ‘right time’ is now? Sincerely, Waiting Impatiently

Dear Waiting Impatiently, Gnome de Plume has put together one of his famous Flawless 5 lists for you. If you follow Gnome de Plume’s simple directions, the ‘right time’ will come in no time.

1. Do you have any friends that are evil wizards? If yes, continue reading, if not, skip to #2. Wizards can do all kinds of things to help in this situation. Have some of your buddies try out a few spells. There are probably all kinds of spells they could use for this situation, use your imagination. If you are short on creativity, here is a brief list of spells Gnome de Plume recommends - hold person, sleep, blindness, mirror image, open/close, levitate (if you don’t understand how these spells will solve your problem, you have a much bigger problem). Wizard friends can also help once you have made it to the ‘right time’. Have one of them cast something like enlargement, unseen servant, or even mage hand to help you out here, you want to make it so good for her that she does not contact any law enforcement officials. **Important note: A location spell will not find the G spot, do not try it. This has been tried by many wizards through the ages and the result is always the same, the spell misfires and instead of a location spell, you have a level IV summoned monster on your hands.
2. Do you have any friends that will dress up as evil wizards? If yes, continue reading, if not, why not? Either go make some or go on to #3. This requires a bit of set up, you will need some cloaks, some sidewalk chalk, a picture of something really scary, a fancy sword or dagger, and some animal blood, and of course your friends. You and your lady friend head over to a friend’s place. Once in the door, one of your cloaked friends closes the door, locks it, and stands right in front of it. You are greeted by your other cloaked friends who are sitting in a pentagram drawn on the living room floor (use the chalk to draw and spatter with animal blood). Your friends start chanting something like “virgin sacrifice for the horned goat demon of all that is evil” and turn to your lady friend, one holding above mentioned weapon, and ask her to step into the circle. At this point, you politely tell your friends that you need to talk to your lady friend for a second in private. You take her into the nearest bedroom and tell her you are not sure if it is the ‘right time’ but if it isn’t, it looks like she is going to be the virgin sacrifice to the horned goat demon of all that is evil.
3. Do have a dwarven tavern in the area? If yes, continue reading, if not, skip to #4. Take your date to this fine establishment and load her with the strongest ale available. After one or two drinks she probably won’t even know where she is or who you are, if she does, give her more drinks. If she passes out, you know what to do. If she does not pass out, her vision should at least be blurry and her judgement clouded. Point to a dwarf at a table across the room and identify him to your lady friend as something like “horned goat demon of all that is evil”, then explain how he feeds on the blood of virgins. Now you know what to do. Make sure not to stay overnight, you do not want her blaming you instead of herself (insert dwarf in bed with her if necessary). She will not remember the details of the previous night and will think only of how she should have lost it to you as she does the walk of shame through the dwarven tavern. She will go home and apologize to you profusely, feeling so bad about herself that it is sure to be the ‘right time’ for a long time.
4. Does your lady friend have a sister that looks a bit like her? If yes, continue reading, if not, move on to #5. Gnome de Plume will now tell you something very important. It is a universal truth that if a pure virgin maiden has a sister, that sister is bound to be a raging slut. Either trade your lady in for the sister, or just make your lady friend jealous by wooing the sister (sibling rivalry is a powerful thing). You either end up with the sister or your lady friend, it’s a win-win. **Write to me again in 3 weeks and we can go over threesomes.
5. If all else has failed you, buy her flowers and take her out somewhere expensive for dinner.

Sincerely Yours,
Gnome de Plume

Earliest Human Memory

What is your earliest human memory?

Dear Tumblrbot,
Normally Gnome de Plume receives requests for advice. Perhaps since you are a robot, you are asking this question to help you fit in with humans or maybe destroy the human race? Either way, Gnome de Plume is happy to answer any question. As Gnome de Plume has always been a gnome, Gnome de Plume doesn’t have a human memory. What Gnome de Plume does have though, is early memories of the first human Gnome de Plum ever encountered.
When Gnome de Plume was just a wee lad, his parents hired a babysitter. You see, although his parents loved him very much, they often traveled for their jobs and needed someone to look after Gnome de Plume. So, right before Gnome de Plum’s mother had to go out to the great caves of Brungabaloo and his father had to test out his new device, the incinerating beam of destruc….never mind, where they were going and why isn’t important. Anyway, Gnome de Plume was a curious wee lad which often got him into trouble, so his parents hired a human babysitter. Gnome de Plume will always remember the moment his mother introduced him to Giant Nancy. Giant Nancy was the largest creature Gnome de Plume had ever seen, she was easily five feet tall and at minimum, 120 pounds. Giant Nancy smiled at Gnome de Plume with her huge human mouth and full set of huge human teeth and Gnome de Plume’s mom said as she walked out the door, “Be good Gnome de Plume, because humans eat gnomes that get in to trouble.”
So Tumblrbot, you might be robo-thinking right now that my mom was extremely cruel, but really she was just very clever. I behaved like a perfect angel for Giant Nancy. Gnome de Plume and Giant Nancy actually became very close during that time. Giant Nancy taught Gnome de Plume not only how to climb to reach high shelves, but all kinds of things about humans, I have fond memories of human lessons in place of bedtime stories. Giant Nancy told Gnome de Plume that one day he would need to interact with humans so there were a few things he needed to know: humans are emotional, humans like food better than even sex, humans think they can consume more alcohol than they actually can, and humans like to buy stupid things. Now, these might seem like trivial things, but this knowledge in the hands of a very intelligent and attractive gnome is very powerful.
Giant Nancy even taught Gnome de Plume how to impress human women. Some of Gnome de Plume’s first memories of a human being- Giant Nancy explaining to Gnome de Plume how to talk to the ladies. Now Tumblrbot, Gnome de Plume will share this valuable information with you. As a robot, you might be wondering how to talk to a human woman - maybe you would like to know how to have a nice conversation, learn how to do something womanly, or maybe get in a human woman’s pants- well, here is everything you need to know, as passed down from Giant Nancy. Humans have an abnormally low amount of body hair so human women take great pride in styling the hair they do have - always compliment a woman on her hair. On the subject of hair, there is no such thing as a red-headed human woman. You might think you have met a red haired human woman, but do not be fooled, it is just an evil fire demon trying to trick you in order to steal your soul. Next lesson on human women from Giant Nancy is that human women want a man who is both manly and emotional and these things do not really exist, the key when interacting with human women is to start every third sentence with “I feel” and end the sentence with “would make me [insert one: happy, sad, angry, grateful, or hurt]” and a compliment. An example of this is, “I feel I really need to have one more drink, it would make me feel happy if you would toss that shiny hair of yours and go get me a free one”. See how that works? The final thing that Giant Nancy taught Gnome de Plume about human women is that they are smarter than they let on, so when lying to them, you better make an effort to make it good.
Now that you armed with that knowledge, you might be left wondering how to talk to human men. Well, Giant Nancy covered that too as she lovingly tucked Gnome de Plume into bed. She said when speaking to human men, just pretend that you are a robot, but a breathing, hungry, and sex deprived one.
So, that sums up my first memories of a human, the initial meeting of Giant Nancy and her nightly advice that followed. Gnome de Plume learned that humans, while terrifying because they can eat you, are really quite simple to understand.
Hope this information comes in handy for you Tumblrbot.
Sincerely,
Gnome de Plume

Ex Boyfriend

Recently an exboyfriend got in touch with me, and I did a search for him on line, and he totally sucks now. He wants to catch up because he says he still considered me a good friend. How do I tell him he looks like a cancer patient and his artwork is soulless?

Dear Man Troubles,
When Gnome de Plume has problems, he soemtimes has to remind himself that all problems can be opportunities. Man Troubles, this is exactly what you have, a fantastic opportunity. Gnome de Plume has had his share of ladies that come back for another piece, so he can relate and solve your problem. Gnome de Plume knows that it sucks big swinging dragon balls when there are all of these exes floating around that he would just love to have dirty ex sex with and the ex that does come around is the one who is a troll, a life-draining monster fucking troll. So, with Gnome de Plume’s extensive experience he will not only help you fix this problem, he will make sure you benefit as well. Remember, you deserve something good. Soulless Cancer Troll obviously got something good out of it, getting to sleep with you; so, it is about time you got something out of it too. Gnome de Plume will give you a couple of different options for dealing with this situation.
Solution 1: Gnome de Plume suggests using this option if you want to put in minimal work and get a speedy resolution. Call said Soulless Cancer Troll. Tell Soulless Cancer Troll that you doubt the sincerity of his statement that he considers you a good friend. Soulless Cancer Troll will then argue that he really does consider you a good friend. Next, tell him that anyone you consider a “good friend” would be willing to do anything for you. Soulless Cancer Troll will then insist that he is willing to do anything that you ask. Now, ask him for a kidney. If he says no, tell him that you don’t want his kidney anyway because it is cancer infested and he has already sucked away enough of your life through his soulless artwork. If Soulless Cancer Troll agrees to give you his kidney, you say, “Oh, did you think I said kidney? I said kidneys.” There are only a couple of things that can happen here, either he says no and shows he is not a good friend, or he dies and you have two kidneys to sell or use for later; either way, you win.
Solution 2: This solution requires a bit more work and planning, but Gnome de Plume is sure that it will be fun because it involves public humiliation and big profits. It has been Gnome de Plume’s experience that everyone likes a surprise, even if they say otherwise. So, here is what you need to do. The first step is to obtain multiple pieces of Soulless Cancer Troll’s artwork. Next, get online, make flyers, and tell all of your friends about the charity auction you are having to support the fight against cancer. If there are two things rich people like spending money on it is soulless artwork and cancer patients, so you are going to combine both. Gnome de Plume suggests inviting Soulless Cancer Troll to meet up with you after you have sold said soulless artwork. Ideally, Soulless Cancer Troll will come in at an opportune time to be forced to give a speech. After the speech, he will come to you confused and ask why you had a cancer benefit for him. You have been looking for the right time, the perfect time to say to him that he looks like a cancer patient and his artwork is soulless, this is that perfect time. Now, you not only have all of the profits from the sale of the soulless art, but you have said what you needed to and he will no longer try to be good friends. If he does decide he still wants to be good friends, force him to start making more soulless art, keep his head shaved, and hold one more auction for big profits. Following that, ask him for his kidneys.
Sincerely,
Gnome de Plume